The Place Where You Hide
by MyBeautifulDisgrace
Summary: Ian realizes the mistake he's made and tries to fix it and himself. Basically a 6x01 fix it. Ian/Mickey. Strong language


Letting him go was the hardest thing he's ever done. Mickey didn't usually show emotion but he couldn't hide the pain. It took everything in Ian not to cry, not to change it all and let it all go. Mick deserved better, and this was the only way it could happen. A small part of Ian knew he was being selfish and immature but he didn't know how else to deal with the problem. He was a fuck up, you can't change that and it's not like Mickey was the type of guy you could spill all your emotions too. It was cowardly, but he pretended not to care, so that Mickey could be angry, so he could move on. It wasn't a lie when he said he'd wait, but he tried to make Mickey believe it was. Honestly, Ian couldn't ever fall in love again. He couldn't ever fall out of love, but he knew-or at least he thought he did- what was best for the other man. He could be dead by the time Mickey got out of jail, after all. He wouldn't put it past him, it's not like he hadn't done stupid shit before.

That's how he found himself here, in some stupid support group talking about his 'feelings' as if that would actually do anything to help. He never spoke and half the time he didn't even really listen but his mental health mattered to Mickey when they were together, so he would throw everything he could at it. He never missed a pill or session and did every routine it was getting better but he couldn't lie and say he was normal, he would never be normal. It'd been a month since he'd seen Mickey, and the feeling of his absence was only growing stronger. He cursed himself for ever making Mickey feel this way, even if it was a manic-induced mistake. Still, he had to get better, even if Mickey never knew it. He made a promise to himself, he'd get healthy, he'd get a normal legal job, he'd take care of Yevy if Svetlana ever let him even if it was just giving her some money, and he'd be the person Mickey would've wanted. Even though Mickey would have long moved on. It was only when some guy was talking about his ex-girlfriend that Ian really paid attention to the group, though he kept silent. This girl had left him a year after his diagnosis, apparently he had hit her. This was years ago, but apparently it stuck out to the guy. Something about being a freak or not being able to love or whatever. He guessed he understood that. Whiny guy though. The session ended and he turned to leave as per usual, following routine was part of his plan. It was easier to control things that way, or so he said.

"Hey wait up!" A girl from the group ran after him. "Ian right?"

"Who's asking?"

"I'm Anabelle, I kind of run the group you've been going to for the past month."

"Oh. Whatever. Yeah, I'm Ian."

"I've just wanted to say for the past three weeks, you've really pissed me off."

"The fuck?"

"I couldn't figure you out, I mean obviously you're bipolar and a kid, but I couldn't figure out why you were going. I don't like people I can't understand. I get it now."

"You don't fucking know me."

"Exactly. But after watching you in there, I get it you're here because of your girl…boy?...friend."

"Fucks it matter to you." He moved to carry on walking. She just gave him a blank stare.

"You joined my support group. Not the other way around. And besides, I like you. You seem like just the right amount of fucked up, kid. I've seen a lot of good people come and go, I don't want that to happen to you." She started walking in the other direction.

"What if it is a guy?"

"Speak up next week, kid." She laughed giving him a mock salute. There was no way she'd know about his time in the military, but it still freaked him out.

Regardless, their conversation stuck out in his mind. He kept catching himself thinking about it, it was nice to think about something other than how he'd wronged Mickey it made it easier. It still annoyed him though, who did this girl think she was? Probably an expert, but that didn't matter at the time. It led him to two impulsive decisions. The first was after his shift. He ran down to the tattoo parlor and demanded the first person available, getting the words "Mickey Milkovich" tattooed across his chest. Somehow, though doubtless Mickey had covered his up, it made him feel closer to him. Sure it cost his savings for the month, but it was absolutely worth it.

Having that closeness helped a lot, but he still felt so confused. The last time he saw Mickey he was heavily sedated, all the memories were blurry Mickey's face was just a blur of light. Sure his smile was etched in to his memory and his eyes were every part of Ian's dreams, but in that moment he was unreal, unattainable, nothing but reflected light in a dream. Once Ian woke up Mickey's words reverberated in his head. He wanted him to wait, he still loved him. It broke Ian Mickey should be mad, he should never want to see Ian again. It was at this point that Ian realized he didn't understand love. He wanted to do what was right for Mickey, which meant letting him go, but he didn't understand why the right thing could hurt so much. He thought the sedative would be enough to make him not feel, but he was wrong. There was a lot he didn't understand, and he couldn't blame it on the drugs. He was a fuck up, he was never good at anything else. He didn't understand why it hurt so much to fuck up again. Fucking up with Mickey was like stabbing a thousand knives in each of his pressure points, it was his most primal betrayal of a base truth. But it was what was good for Mickey, he kept telling himself that. Kept telling Svetlana that, not that she really cared outside the money she got. He guessed she was sort of Mickey's friend.

The rest of the week he tried to figure out why it hurt so much, and why he did what he did. He tried to understand love and disease. His conversation with the girl kept popping up in his thoughts. Eventually he decided he'd give up and actually speak in the group he could join another one or something after. He just wanted that nagging voice to go away. So there he found himself with the other psychos waiting to speak. It's not like they could do anything, but as the week drug on he found himself wanting to speak more.

"I've been waiting for someone who gets it you know? Who knows what to do, or at least knows they don't know. I'm taking steps back from my family, so it'll hurt less when I eventually die or mess up or whatever. It's what's best for them, but it fucking hurts with him. I couldn't look him in the eye. I'm a coward. It was like I couldn't feel anything but somehow the pain was still there. I'm just waiting to see that I did the right thing. Maybe it'll be when I'm in a ditch somewhere or some shit, but right now it just feels…wrong?" He kept going, telling them his whole story, some stuff about Monica some stuff about Mickey and some stuff about everything in general. It felt like an eternity, but it was about ten minutes at most. He was surprised at the support, and even some advice and more questions. He admitted it was really off topic, but that was sort of the thing here. Anything goes. He found himself listening to the others, really, for the first time too. They were good people, normal people. At least they didn't seem as crazy as Monica. Sure they had their problems, but who on the South Side didn't. Who in the world didn't. It was the first time he really laughed since going on the meds, ignoring the half laugh he gave at Mickey's misspelt tattoo, and it felt good. Even if they were all different except this one thing they got each other in some way. He wasn't afraid to admit he was broken, even if he never would. He wasn't stupid. It was the first time he really felt good in a long time, it didn't take away any of the other issues, and his brain was still fighting against him, but not being afraid for once and talking about stuff, it helped. He started making his way home feeling a lot better.

"Hey Ian," Annabelle came up behind him, "wait up."

"Hey."

"Good job in there today."

"I just spoke, I was tired of hearing their sad ass stories."

She laughed. "This is the part where you say thank you and how much of a fucking genius I am."

"The fuck do you want from me?"

"Just keep trying kid, it gets easier after a while."

"Why do you care?"

"Couple years ago, I was you. I got lucky, had some people who looked out for me. Call it good karma or something. Besides I like you, you're the good kind of trash and there's not too many of us round here. Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to politely fuck off back home and get stuff done before work tomorrow. And for the record, you really should talk to him."

"What?"

"Mickey, he wants you to wait for him, which means he's waiting for you. Plus, if you take care of yourself, you won't end up in a ditch."

"You can't promise that."

"No guy would ever say that if he wasn't desperate. And I can't but it's fucking likely. Honestly I've never met such an overdramatic pansy."

"Hey!"

"All I'm saying is you don't know you won't mess up, hell you probably will, but there's a difference between that and getting yourself killed. And this Mickey guy, really doesn't want you dead. Whether or not you're together. You don't get to just walk out of people's lives and expect them not to notice, it doesn't work like that kid."

"And you'd know?"

"Yep, I would. Watch out for your kid sister by the way, she sounds like a problem child."

"What are you my fucking therapist?"

She paused. "Look around."

"That doesn't count."

"Yeah, yeah it does."

"Fine then what the fuck should I say to him?"

"The truth. Honestly why is it men never wanna just say the truth? We would save so much fucking time, and wars we'd probably have time travel by now."

"Then what? It's not like it's all gonna just be okay."

"You've got eight years, I'd say that's enough even for your lazy ass."

"Fuck off." He had to admit she had a point though.

"Look kid," She took his arm and started writing on it, "this is my number text me and we can meet for herbal tea and figure this out, cause fuck knows you're gonna need more than a session a week to sort this out."

"Herbal tea, how fucking gay do you think I am?"

"Have you not spent months pining over a guy? Besides no caffeine, no alcohol, remember? Meds don't leave a lot for us to do. Did I mention how much I miss whiskey?" She dropped his arm and started walking away.

"Bye…I guess…"

"Shit to do Ian, if you need me text me." She waved.

Ian didn't like being wrong, especially about this. It was easier to pretend that he knew everything when it came to being bipolar than to admit the mistakes he'd made and the ones he was eventually going to, but she was right. Everyone was right. He needed to get his shit together, for everyone's sake. It was just going to be hard as hell. He started forming plans on the way home, he had to admit he didn't really know where to start, sure he knew how to get by but he didn't really know how to get better. There was no amount of mind over matter that was ever going to make him the way he was, that was a reality of the disease and it was okay, but there was enough to get him over feeling sorry for himself once he was better and there was enough for him to try and make it better with his family and hopefully Mickey. When he got home he started cleaning, it was a pointless gesture but something about it made him feel better. Like cleaning his room proved how organized he was, that he was okay. He just made sure not to go too over the top with it, last time he did that it was a sign that things weren't going well. When changing he caught a look of his new tattoo, he promised himself he would do everything he could to make it right, even if he and Mickey never got back together he needed to do it, for both their sakes.

"You're up early." Fiona yawned. "Wait is that breakfast?" She strode over to the eggs Mickey was making without a second thought. He made a plate for her.

"Okay so what is this for?"

"Got up early."

"You feeling okay?"

"Yeah-"

"Pills?"

"Yes. I just wanted to get up early." He groaned. He knew she only did it because she cared and honestly it was good he had someone looking out for him, but it was starting to get annoying.

"Anyway, I wanted to ask for some more hours at Patsy's. It wouldn't hurt to get some extra cash, plus Ygveny's pretty expensive and it'd probably be good to do something other than sit around all day."

"Yeah sure I'll see what I can do."

"Thanks." Ian started walking out to see Svetlana before work.

"Hey are you sure you're-"

"I'm fine."

"Pill-"

"Took them. See you later."

Fiona couldn't deny she was worried for her brother. She was worried this was the beginning of another manic episode, but she thought it might be good to have him around her more. Having him at Patsy's would at least let her keep more of an eye on him, and if it was his idea then at least she would feel less guilty about making him feel watched.

It had been a month since Ian started actively trying to change his life. Two since he'd last seen Mickey, and it was hard but he was comforted by spending time with Ygveny and Svetlana. He was getting better, it was getting a little easier to deal things and the meds were really starting to work. He'd managed to save his money from his extra shifts, he thought of it as his chaos fund. Life seemed to be staying somewhat less shitty, and Ian was grateful for that. He'd even managed to make one or two new friends and gain some of Svetlana's trust. He swore she never fully trusted anyone anyway. Life was far from perfect from him but he managed to stay afloat. He managed to get out of the zombie like routine he was in and felt less like he was comatose, he took it as a good sign.

He was watching Ygveny while Svetlana talked to someone on the phone about something that sounded shady and very much illegal. "Don't grow up like anyone who raised you, Yevy." He kissed his head. It was dangerous that she still did these things but it's not like he was surprised, besides crime wasn't exactly something he was shielded from. He liked days like these, they were calm and he could spend them with friends and family instead of worrying about work or whether or not one of his siblings was going to get arrested or pregnant.

Svetlana hung up the phone. "Is that for you or other gay?"

"What?"

She gestured to the shirt Yegveny was wearing. Ian had bought him an "I heart my dad" shirt, sure it was cheesy and he kind of hated himself for buying it, but he thought it was cute. That and he wanted Ygveny growing up knowing his dad was a good man.

"Other one. I want him to have something to-"

"Does not matter. It's perfect, I take him to see Mickey today I have another job for him. The cops will enjoy this shit."

"You're gonna see Mickey? How is he? Is he okay?"

"You want to know, see him. I don't talk to Mickey about such things."

"I don't think he'll wanna see me."

"Then you won't see him."

She could tell Ian was sad. "You want to find out then go. Now I take Ygveny."

"I don't know what I'd say if he didn't want to." Ian wasn't sure why he was getting so nervous. "Besides I broke up with him."

"If you didn't want to stop fucking him, why did you then?"

"I didn't want him to have to be my caretaker for the rest of his fucking life."

"Makes sense, you're batshit crazy. Less now but still crazy."

"Yeah," as much as he may agree, her words still hurt, "so I can't see him. Just see how he is for me, okay?"

"I understand now why you like dick, you're already too much of a pussy. You take Ygveny tonight, I'm working." She picked Ygveny up and walked out the door.

It wasn't lost on Ian that this was the first time Svetlana had left him alone with Ygveny, and a large part of him was really happy, but her words still got to him. He needed to suck it up and deal with his issues directly and talk to Mickey. It was the moment of truth way before he thought it was going to be and way before he was ready. He hated this.

Mickey took his seat across from Svetlana waiting for his next job. He couldn't lie, he made great money on the inside and it kept him busy. He was glad for it actually.

"Hello Mickey." Svetlana kissed the glass as usual.

"Hey."

"Say hi to your son." She held Ygveny closer to the glass.

"The fuck is he wearing?" Unamused did not begin to describe his reaction.

"You gays and your fashion. Orange boy chose. The cops will like it no?"

"You're dressing our kid to get sympathy from the cops now? Wait! Ian chose that? Why in the fuck is he dressing him?" At the thought of it Mickey felt a little affection, and he hated himself for it.

"He take care of baby with me, and send money and clothes. Now job."

"Slow the fuck down there. Ian's helping you take care of Yevy?"

"He is less crazy now."

"Fuck." Mickey was happy, and again he hated himself for it. But he was confused.

"Ay, you're not listening to me." Svetlana glared. "You need to stab him in the throat then cut out his eye."

"Fuck what'd he do to these people?"

"You haven't been listening to me this whole time have you." She sighed.

"No bitch. Just tell me what I need to do."

"You're lucky this pays."

Ian was fidgeting the whole time. He was finally going to see Mickey after about everyone told him too. He didn't think it was possible to be this nervous. This was Mickey, they had been through so much together that even if this was the end, which killed Ian to think about, he should still be able to talk to him. But here he was panicking about every speck of dust, he couldn't put this off longer, he didn't want too but now that he was here he was having regrets. Maybe he wasn't ready maybe time was a good thing. Logic of course deemed that wrong, but panic on the other hand was rooting for it. None of it mattered once Ian saw Mickey walking towards the booth, he had to face it. Seeing Mickey again meant something to Ian. It was like finding land after not knowing you were swimming for centuries.

Mickey groaned as he was called in to see a visitor, it was doubtless Svetlana wanting him to do a job that would get him stuck in this hellhole for longer not that he really minded at least it was a good way to get some anger out. In his time Mickey realized you never really adjust to prison, you just get used to it and hope to move on soon kind of like some sick purgatory. He had done his best though, trying to keep his head down. Other than Svetlana's 'jobs' he was a model prisoner. The downside to that was he had time to think. Even working out had stopped being a good enough distraction, his mind kept wandering to his past mistakes, and to stuff with his dad, but it especially wandered to Ian. He knew it was over, despite what Ian said after he'd asked him to lie. The problem was he was still in love, he couldn't hate the redhead and that made him hate him even more. He'd tried to push him aside, at least for now, and forget about him but that plan went as well as trying to rob a bank with an old twig. Even if he didn't really want to see her, Svetlana would prove a welcome distractor from his thoughts today. Maybe she'd give him something good, a fight or something. Still didn't mean he wanted to get up and actually walk over there.

He forgot how crowded the visitor's room was. Most people had family, it wasn't really shocking that a lot of people would see them but something about the amount of people put Mickey on edge. Like he was alone, like he was lost. He was the little kid left at the mall, and fuck he hated that feeling. The guard sent him to a desk and Mickey made his way over, being completely shocked by who sat on the other side of the glass. The last person he ever expected to see was Ian Gallagher, he thought he'd never see the man again in his life, much less have him visit him in prison. He had to admit Ian looked good, healthier, than he had in the past. But that meant nothing. Mickey had no idea why Ian was there; he wasn't sure if it hurt or terrified him more.

"The fuck are you doing here?"

"I…" Ian thought he'd have the words once he sat down, thought that once he'd start speaking he wouldn't be able to stop like in group therapy or that just by looking at Mickey he'd know exactly what the man needed to here. He'd been wrong about things in the past, but this was a level in its own. He felt like he'd taken a bullet to the brain. "I wanted to see you."

"Well fancy seeing fucking you here. No shit you wanted to see me." He gestured around them. "Why the fuck are you here?" Mickey weighed his options, last time Ian said Svetlana paid him, which he still wasn't sure if that was the truth or not, but why wouldn't she be there then. He figured if anyone else wanted him they'd just come themselves. "Shit. Mandy's not dead is she?"

"No!" Ian looked up. "No, fuck. Look Mick I just. I didn't lie."

"What?"

"I didn't lie. You asked if I would wait. I didn't lie."

"What are you getting at Gallagher?"

Ian paused. "I fucking love you Mick."

"Then why did you break up with me. Shit Ian you couldn't look me in the eye."

"I was trying not to be an asshole."

"Didn't work for you."

"I know. I-I just wanted to explain to you then you can go back to hating me."

Mickey raised an eyebrow impatiently. He was good at putting on an act but deep down he was really happy. Ian saying he loved him changed his entire fucking world. Not that he'd let him get away with anything that easily, and he was still pissed. Just not enough not to be ecstatic.

"I didn't want you to have to deal with me the rest of your life. I know you said it wasn't a burden, that we take care of each other, but the shit I had to deal with growing up with Monica. I couldn't put you through that. That's not what you chose. I mean fuck, what I've already put you through is enough. I made you come out cause of some bi-polar paranoia that you were trapped and couldn't be you. I stole your kid. So I acted like a dick so you'd move on. You deserve someone who's less fucked."

"The fuck Ian? You could've just said that's why you were being a dick."

"What would you have said?"

"Tell you you were fucking stupid." They actually laughed for the first time. "I loved you." They were quiet for a while. "Fuck man, I still love you."

"You do? Mickey will you…Look I'm not saying its…can we." Ian realized he had no idea how to ask this. "I didn't lie."

"I know."

"Are we?"

"Yeah. Do something like that again and I'll cut your tongue out."

"I won't."

"Fucking better. You're a fucking idiot, you know that?"

"Yeah."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

* * *

A/N: So I just saw 6x 01 and had to write to get out the feels. This was meant to be a drabble and I was meant to be studying...whoops. Also its unedited cause yeah I literally did write it tonight after seeing it so sorry for any spelling/grammar mistakes. It's my first fic in awhile and my first Shameless fic, so advice and feedback is so more than welcome. Thanks for reading! :)


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